Guest Writers on “Stranger Things,” Season 2 – The New Yorker (satire)
Larry David (“Seinfeld,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm”)
Mike and Dustin stare into a portal in a hollowed-out oak tree.
MIKE: On second thought, I don’t know if I’m gonna go in.
DUSTIN: What do you mean? We have to find the monster.
MIKE: Yes, but, when I imagined the portal to the Upside Down, it was a lot less . . . gunky.
MIKE: Yeah, gunky. Look at it. It’s all . . . gunk.
DUSTIN: Well, then, why should I go in? I don’t want to touch the gunk!
MIKE: But that’s not how the gunk works. You didn’t see the gunk until I pointed it out. You were just standing here, not registering any gunk.
DUSTIN: You’re telling me I won’t get gunked? Of course I’ll get gunked.
MIKE: No, I’m saying that you’re misunderstanding the gunk experience. You didn’t get gunked originally, so you can’t be gunked now. You’re ungunkable.
Dustin rolls his eyes and steps through the tree portal.
DUSTIN (OFFSCREEN): Wait a second. Mike! I left my flashlight out there. Hand it through!
Mike looks down at the flashlight, then up at the tree portal.MIKE: Oh, ya know . . . I can’t.
DUSTIN (OFFSCREEN): What do you—IS THIS ABOUT THE GUNK?!
MIKE: Of course not!
DUSTIN (OFFSCREEN): It is definitely about the gunk, Mike! Just hand it— AHHH! SOMETHING’S BITING ME . . . I CAN’T—I CAN’T SEE!
Mike scurries off through the forest.
DUSTIN (OFFSCREEN): YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, MIKE!
Theme song plays.
Shonda Rhimes (“Grey’s Anatomy,” “Scandal”)
INT. BYERSES’ HOUSE
Will’s mom, Joyce, leads a meeting around the kitchen table.
JOYCE: Listen up. If you want power, you take power. Nobody is going to walk into this house and hand us a monster, so we have to find the monster ourselves. And find a monster we will. How do I know? Because I’m Joyce Byers. I hang up Christmas lights and scream at them. That’s what I do. Now, what do you do? Do you just sit there and tuck your tail between your legs? Or do you stand up and help me plug in this industrial blender to see if it makes any noise?
Mike, Dustin, and Lucas leap up from their chairs.
Suddenly, the back door swings open. In the doorway stands Police Chief Hopper, brooding and powerful.
JOYCE: I said you were never welcome back here, Jim.
HOPPER: I’m welcome wherever the hell I want. I’m the police chief of Hawkins, Indiana!
Joyce and Hopper share a forbidden kiss, then she slaps him across the face.
JOYCE: Your lips still taste like . . .
HOPPER: Don’t say her name.
Hopper gazes into Joyce’s eyes. His heart tells him “yes,” but his body tells him “interdimensional death beast.”
David Benioff and D. B. Weiss (“Game of Thrones”)
Mike, Will, Lucas, and Dustin stand over their Dungeons & Dragons board. Mike places a piece flat on its side.
MIKE: The monster has laid siege to the shopping center. House Denny’s is no longer.
WILL: We are losing this war!
DUSTIN: Why lose . . . when you can drink?
Dustin sips Yoo-hoo from a wine chalice. It’s his mom’s.
LUCAS: I beg of you. Let me march into the Upside Down.
DUSTIN: Have you gone mad?
MIKE: Silence. Sir Lucas speaks with truth. There’s no other choice. Go to the Upside Down, Sir Lucas.
LUCAS: I’ve gone.
LUCAS: I’ve just gone and come back. Me and eighty men.
WILL: That was quick.
LUCAS: Yes, and, having returned from my journey, I now see that our only hope is for Mike to consolidate our power by wedding the girl.
MIKE: You speak of Lady Eleven? But she’s like a sister to me!
LUCAS: I know. It’s perfect.
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